Meet My Guilt Friend
Some days the guilt is just overwhelming. Some days I am too busy to think about the guilt. Some days I kick the crap out of guilt. I know you know what I am talking about. That little burden that sits in the back of your mind constantly pressing down telling you that you are not doing enough, you are doing too much, you could have tried harder, you should have made more time with your kids, you should have called your parents, you should have scheduled another date night with your husband, you should have skipped that work trip, you should have gone home earlier, you should have stayed later, you should have taken that project, you should have been more patient, you shouldn’t have snapped at 
your kids (no matter how many times you had to tell them no), you should make more time with your sisters/family, you should have said something, you should have kept your mouth shut, you shouldn’t have eaten that, you should have worked out, you should have, could have, not have….and the list never stops. Guilt directs all of the missed possibilities and regret like a conductor would lead a symphony of notes screaming into crescendo that sometimes doesn’t subside.
Some days it seems our little guilt friend never quiets down. I like to call my friend Patrice. I know it sounds crazy to name a nagging feeling, but believe me, it helps when the battles begin. I named her so that there is a name to yell “Shut Up” to when it begins to beat me down (the How I Met Your Mother fans will get it). Something to put my finger on so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Patrice and I have a love/hate relationship. She has pushed me to be a better version of myself when I needed it, but she has also brought me to my knees in my darkest of times.
Put Me in Coach
I like to equate Patrice to a Monday morning quarterback. Just as I am sure your little guilt friends are playing the backseat driver, second guessing every move after you made them. You see, Patrice gets a benefit that I never have while in the moment – she gets to see the outcome and then can remind me of the many ways things could have turned out if only I had done things differently. The guilt party then begins. If I would have made this play instead of that, maybe I would be going to the playoffs. Well, here is a benefit of age that my younger self never knew…I now know or at least can predict more of the outcomes than before. In a past version, Patrice would start her dialog – for example – if only you would 
have gone to the gym 6 days instead of 5 you would be skinny – well Patrice, I now know that I will never be “skinny” and I am now happy just being healthy. Patrice still tries this argument with me today, I am just comfortable now to quiet her by running a few miles and then giving her a cookie and calling it day!
Maybe one door would have led somewhere else, and who knows, maybe it would have been better, but now instead of letting the guilt win I try and use it as a lesson to do something when the opportunity presents itself the next time. For example when Patrice reminded me, I should have taken the rare opportunity to go shopping with my daughter when she asked, instead of saying I was too tired, the next time she asked I changed my plans to make sure I got that moment with her. Patrice’s reminder that in just a short year and a half she will be going away to college and I will miss these times pushed me not miss out on the few opportunities I have left. (here is the love part of our relationship) So, Patrice teaches me to make better choices sometimes, but I have learned how to quiet her guilty cadence in my ear when warranted because sometimes I do now know better.
Shut Up Patrice!
Time and experience has made me much better at managing Patrice’s guilt party, but I will admit there are days she just takes over. I am sure some of you can relate. Those days that no matter how hard I work on my list of things I need to accomplish it is just not going to get done – I am going to let someone down. I am going to fail at something and the guilt becomes overwhelming. I am going to be a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad boss, a bad employee, a bad volunteer, a bad friend, a bad sister, or a bad daughter…most likely I am going to hit multiples of those things in one day and for some reason that day 
I let Patrice take over my brain and have a guilt dinner party with her friends – Stress, Self-Doubt, and Failure. You know these days? Days where it takes all of your power not to break down. But there is no way you can because that is another level of weakness you just cannot give in to or Patrice wins again. Guilt is the challenge that we must beat back and we must find the power to say, “SHUT UP Patrice!” I started writing myself little reminders for days like this, to know that I have done my best this day, and those who really love me will not judge me on these days as harshly as Patrice and I judge me. I am also at a point in my life to know and understand if they do judge me that harshly, then I probably do not need them in my life.
I am now trying to look at these days as opportunities rather than failures – taking some of my business knowledge and applying it to myself. I don’t expect miracles from my employees, from my resources, or from my vendors at work – why do I expect them from myself? Why do I allow Patrice to drown out common sense on days when I know there is just not enough hours to get everything on my list done, and yet I still put it on my list? I would never purposely set one of my employees up to fail by scheduling more tasks than they could possibly get done in a day, yet I do it to myself often. Maybe it is hope, maybe it ego, but in the end I must recognize the guilt it causes when I can’t accomplish everything can’t be the headline of the day. I must shift my story to look at what I did accomplish for the day, and take my lessons and plan the next steps. I then can tell Patrice to quiet her dinner party and let me have a glass of wine and a nice long hot bath!
Guilt Party’s Over
I understand managing the guilt is not an easy concept for many. My battle is a daily one with Patrice. Some days I win and guilt has no place in what I accomplish, other days’ end in defeat with a need for a glass of wine while Patrice parties on. I will say now though I have fewer days where guilt comes out the victor. I have learned to forgive myself 
most of the time for the mishaps and quiet the noise from Patrice when I know I did my best for that day. These are all things that I guess come with growing up and growing smarter. It is a shame these are things our younger versions do not realize at the time. We let our Patrice’s stomp all over us and the guilt sets in to tell us the things we didn’t do verses allowing us to focus on the things we did.
There is a reason I do not write about getting rid of the guilt – I know that just will not happen. I believe the trick is knowing who you are behind the guilt. Patrice colored the picture of who I thought I was for a long time. What I focus on now is finding the right balance of peace with Patrice, using her to keep me becoming a better me, but shutting her up when she overwhelms me with nonsense. Guilt doesn’t have to take over, Patrice and I can get along, as long as I remember I am in control of this situation. You may not need to name your little guilt friend to find a balance as I did, but I do hope you find a way to get along sooner rather than later. Don’t waste years letting guilt tell you what kind of person you are. The real you will always be so much better than your Patrice will ever let you see! Cheers!
For those interested I also recommend this article on the subject “Self Forgiveness: The Secret to Happy Women Everywhere”