The Gift

Happy New Year. It is 2020! Hard to believe 2019 is over just like that! It seems the older you get the faster time passes and the more you think back to all your regrets, all your successes, and all the moments that made you who you are today. A new year always makes me pause and remember it all. The good, the bad, the indifferent, but what seems to catch me the most is the things I wish I had done.  Nothing can remind us more of our regrets like a tragedy.  

Last year at this time, one of my oldest and dearest friends lost her daughter at the young age of 20. As you would expect in the wake of such a tragedy, she is having a hard time living her life. When I have spoken with her I hear the difference in her voice, she is a changed person.  How could she not be? Her once sunny disposition and always positive outlook were no longer there.  Simply put, a light has gone out in her life.

We all watch helplessly as she struggles to live for her son, her husband, and for all of those who love her. Nothing can be said or done to take that level of pain away.  We can all hope time will just lessen it so that she can again, at the very least, experience joy in her life. I have thought long and hard about what to say, what to do, and everything I come up with just seems so inadequate, I retreat from reaching out. After all how could I possibly help? I am sad to think how many others do the same as me and we leave her on her island of grief by herself. 

All of us who love her, watch the posts day after day.  We watch that beautiful sassy little girl grow up in pictures. We see the artist in her through the amazing drawings she created.  We see the love that brilliant young lady had for her family through the smiles and her old posts.  Through my friends posts we get to keep her memory going and learn a little more each day about the funny, sometimes moody, loving, smart, artistic, a little bit wild child with purple hair, that this world is worse off for not having. 

It is a gift I am not sure my friend realizes she is giving to all of us, as she clings to every memory.  Through her posts we also see the prayers, the grief, the loss felt in her soul, and we all cry with her.  But being the giving person she is, on top of sharing her daughters memories with us, she gives us another gift. She often reminds us life is short and we must all remember to stop and enjoy our children, and all of our loved ones. She reminds us that every day is a gift. 

With her words, I think back to when my kids were younger and I wish for more bed time stories, more family vacations, and less teenage arguments.  I want to hold my baby longer even if it is spoiling her. I want to have game night even when they were all misbehaving. I want to turn the TV off and talk about their days even when I had a bad one. The would of, could of, should of’s come roaring back through my head when I see my friends posts reminding me not to ever pass up the chance to tell them how much I love them and how proud I am of them.  

Unfortunately, I can’t turn back time, but I can do better going forward. For her, for me, for the loving memory of her daughter.  I have tried to be sure to take my friends wise reminders forward. I tell you her story to share her gift with all of the Managing It All readers.  To remind you every day is not promised.  Hold their hand longer, read that extra bed time story, go on that family vacation, turn off the TV and have a game night, pick your battles better, and always tell them you love them!

I also share my friends story to ensure her we do remember and miss her amazing daughter. To let her know she is always on my mind, and since high school she has made me a better person by just being in my life. To apologize for not knowing what to say and not reaching out more. To thank her for sharing her daughter with us and for being so strong, even when she doesn’t feel like it, that through her grief, she still gives to everyone around her.  But most of all, to let her know she is loved, and I am thankful to have known her daughter and I will always help keep her memory safe. 

In loving memory of Courtney