10 Things You Should Know About That Teenage Girl’s Mom Before Judging Her

I have always prided myself on being an ambitious person who has never backed down from a challenge. I throw myself into problems and come up with solutions. I do not scare easily. I am a planner and an organizer. I go into every situation prepared and ready to succeed, which has served me well through the years. But my friends, I am here to tell you that no one, I mean no one, can ever prepare you for the challenge and opportunity of raising teenage girls.

You would think the fact that I was once a teenage girl would give me advantage – as it would all moms out there – but somehow this makes no difference in a world of chaos, drama, makeup, and boys. One day you have a sweet little girl who loves you unconditionally, and the next she crosses that invisible barrier into puberty plunging her into this pod person of emotions, mood swings, and unknowns. While my brain knows it didn’t happen quite overnight, nostalgia sometimes takes over to times of Barbie’s and bedtime stories that seem just like yesterday. It is a hard transition for everyone.

It is a transition that no one can quite understand unless you are a part of that story. Just being a mom of a teenager doesn’t qualify – you must know that story. You had to have watched that little girl grow up, been there as she shifted from the cute baby face to the awkward preteen years and into the metamorphosis of teenage-dom to really fathom the reality of who they are and who their parents are and why they make the decision they make. This is a lesson I have learned through the years.

Appointed Judge of the Teenager’s Mom

I was one of those parents who started out with everything planned-out on exactly how I intended for my children to behave, the rules I would insist on, the grades they must maintain, the way they must look and speak…and the list goes on (I’m exhausted just thinking about it). Oh, how naïve I was. I should mention I was also a very young mom so I thought this was going to give me a leg up by the time my daughter got to her teenage years. It didn’t.

I too was one of those adults who would see the teenagers in the mall in their too short shorts and say in a gasp, “I can’t believe their mom would let them go out like that!”. I would hear a teenager listening to heavy rap with cuss words and utter disbelief that that child had no supervision. The list goes on and on about the judgements I would throw out or agree with as my friends would comment on the unruly purple hair of the teenager passing by. Thinking back on my early judgments of other moms is very embarrassing.

I write this today to maybe help others who were once like me understand a little better why we let teenagers do what we let them do. I don’t pretend to understand every parent’s motivation, but I will give you my perspective and maybe it will shed a little light before you throw the stone at that next exhausted mom of a teenage girl.

I can’t believe…

1. She let you wear that

   • This is one thing I know for sure…if they want to wear it they will find a way to wear it. It doesn’t matter if you refused to buy it or you threw it out. It doesn’t matter that their entire childhood you only allowed them to wear shorts to the knees and didn’t allow their belly button to be shown even as toddler. There is something that happens in a teenage girl’s brain that turns most of them into a fashionista that must wear what is hot. They will find a way. They will borrow from their friends, they will cut off clothes they have, they will sneak them out of the house. I know this the hard way.
   • My sister was the master of this long before my oldest even tried to pawn this trick on me. I then realized this was a futile fight, causing more rebellion and battling than necessary. I changed the rule. You simply had to have all things covered and at school you had to pass all their rules (let them fight this one out). Suddenly, the dynamics shifted. I was asked if things looked ok to wear. I could give opinions (sometimes – I didn’t say miracles happened). I was asked to go shopping. I saw what they were wearing out of the house and could trust, for the most part, that is what they were staying in…we both got back some control.
   • Also, something else happens when girls wear what they feel good in – self-esteem improves. One thing I can tell you is that no matter how smart, beautiful, or athletic a teenage girl is they will have times they feel like a troll and no words from anyone else can change how they feel about themselves. It must come from inside themselves, and sometimes just feeling good in what you have own makes that happen. I’m not endorsing stripper wear, as I mentioned I still had base rules of coverage, but I let go of some of the strictness and opened up to some further fashions.

2. She let you do that to your hair

   • This is a simple one. There are way too many battles you must pick with your teenager. Homework, curfew, boys, chores, and the list goes on – their hair is one I have chosen not to pick. I do always explain the dangers of too many chemicals in the hair, help them get the right products, and professional help when needed but it is their hair. As long as it doesn’t break school or work rules, they can do it. If it falls out because they over processed it – well, again it’s their hair. They have also learned that lesson the hard way.
   • Hair grows back, color fades, and this is a part of their body that is always changing and says a lot of about their personality in that moment. In a time in their lives when they have little control, but have a need for control, this is a simple way to allow them to have it and it is one less battle you should have with your teenager. Also, it does make for some interesting family photo’s!

3. She let you listen to that

   • Do you remember the things our parents said about our music? This is a tradition every generation goes through – the discussion of how bad their music is and how it will rot their brains. There is nothing that will make you sound as old and out of touch with a generation than these statements. This one was hard for me as well, but there is one thing I know my youngest loves music. I mean, loves music, it is a part of her soul. Since she was old enough to speak she has memorized the lyrics to every song she has heard. She listens to every genre of music and from the age of two could sing every song on the Best of Sam Cooke album along rap along-side Eminem and Dr. Dre (beeping out the cuss words of course at that age).
   • She has always been hungry for music of all forms – her playlist has opera, cello concerto’s, heavy metal, country, old school rap, r&B, and a variety of garage bands and rap artists she has plucked from obscurity of the internet. She has an ear for talent so I let her listen. While we didn’t just let the kids randomly listen to cuss filled lyrics at 12 as they got older this is not something that is easy to control nor did it become a battle worth fighting. I am more concerned with the message than the cuss words. I do engage often in a spirited debate with my daughter on the message behind some of the music she listens to verses the talent behind the music. It is quite rewarding to watch her defend and can intelligently provide logic behind the messages whether I agree with them or not. But this passion and love of all music is not something I would hinder simply because of language. I must trust the other strengths we have instilled in them will carry them past the language.

4. She let your room look like that

   • Yeah, this one surprises me too. You see I am a bit of a neat freak. I like things in their place. When they are not I have a difficult time relaxing and anxiety and stress get high. For years, I put this little OCD of mine on to my children. As they got older this became a source of anxiety and fight for the entire household. The arguments would ensue and battles would begin and hours of yelling later, everyone exhausted, rooms half cleaned, only to have everyone angry at me and our Saturday missed.
   • This had to change. I had to change. So, I learned to pick my battles to only if company was coming over instead of weekly. I even relaxed that to only if people were staying upstairs at certain points. The main rule I have is to bring the food down. If the room gets too bad where it became a source of my anxiety, I cleaned it. After all I am the only one it impacted. I will say though now that only my youngest is home she only lets her room get so dirty before she cleans it herself so maybe some of the neat freak rubbed off on her without the anxiety!

5. She let you get a piercing/tattoo

   • This kind of falls in line with numbers 1 and 2. I let both of my daughters get their belly buttons pierced at 17. My oldest also got her nose at one point (but quickly let that grow up), and my youngest got her top ear cartilage. I did make them wait until they were 17 only because putting extra wholes in your body should be a decision you make when you know yourself a little better. It is their body and those kinds of piercings can close later if they want them too. Again, a battle and control over their body not worth fighting. There are way too many other battles over their body you will have to wage and hopefully win. I had seen teenagers sneak to get piercings and they would go to un-reputable places or because they were hiding them not take care of them and get infections. This was not worth it.
   • Tattoos are a different story – they are permanent. This is something I have been open with my kids about since both my husband and I have tattoos. I stressed the importance of remembering they are permanent and that you should always get them where you can cover them if needed. I have never said just a flat out no since that would be hypocritical as well as the fear of them sneaking off to do it on their own. I remind them that there are many that will judge them for tattoos and this could impact future career opportunities.
   • In this case my strategy didn’t quite work. My oldest wanted one and my deal was I would take her on her 18^th birthday. Well, as my wild child often did she had to do it her way, and as a form of rebellion, 2 months before her 18^th birthday she snuck and got a tattoo on her abdomen (at least she can cover it). She chose three birds. Four years later she has no idea why now except it had looked pretty on the picture. She admitted she had almost immediately regretted it because she had not put the time and thought into picking out something meaningful to put on her body permanently. So, while this lesson falls into the, “I wish you would have listened to me pile”, I am hoping my youngest learns from it if she too wants to go down the tattoo road.

6. She let you go to that concert < or insert place of gasping response>

   • There is another thing I know for sure in this world, life is short. The time we get in high school making memories with no cares in the world is only a microsecond of that short time, and we shouldn’t let our kids miss out because of our fear. Experience is one thing I always want my kids to have. I do fear just as every parent. I want to put a GPS chip in their arm (the one in the phone will have to do), I want to follow them to every location (sending them with groups will have to do), I want to hire body guards (sending them with mace will have to do), and I want to make every decision for them (trusting them will have to do). It is so very difficult, but I cannot let my fear stop my kids from living a great life. My kids have opportunities I could only dream about at their age and I want them to take advantage of it. They have had to earn those advantages. They do not get the experience without the grades and behavior, but as long as those things are in line and I can trust them, then I want them to have the experience.
   • Much to the chagrin of others in my circle I have let my daughter attend many concerts with friends. I even let my youngest Uber to a concert in downtown Dallas with a friend at age 15- what an adventure that was for her (though that Uber driver and I became fast friends without her knowing – I am still after all a mom). That is a story she will always be able to talk about and a fun night she loved. I have taken the trip to Austin City Limits with my daughter and nervously waited on the sideline while my daughter and her friend merged themselves into a sea of smoke and people banging away to hard rap. I stayed up most of the night the first time my daughter and her friends at 16 took their first short road trip for a camp out over a 4^th of July weekend. This was a hard one – I almost didn’t let them go but see number 9 as to how my mind was changed. They were miserable outside in the 110-degree heat, but they still laugh about the fun they had. Memories and experience that can never be replaced.
   • While I am sure it happens, I try to give my daughter very little reason to have to sneak around or lie about her location. I want her to be safe and have fun. There are lessons in this I learned the very hard way with my oldest and they are not mistakes I will repeat. I want her to experience life while she has no bills or other responsibilities. I want her to remember this feeling and have these memories to look back on.

7. She let you hang out with her /date that boy

   • I try very hard not to get involved in who my girls choose as friends or boyfriends. The one thing I did learn early on in dealing in the teenage girl world – it is an ever changing finicky vast of emotions and drama that you will never be able to understand. You see, they don’t understand it either. There is no reason to get involved. I see so many parents deep diving into the drama of who said what about whom, and who is being mean to whom today, and honestly some of the parents get as catty as some of the girls. I do my very best to remove myself from any of that and let my girls make those decisions.
   • At one point I did try to control who my oldest hung out with and it ended badly. Teenagers always find a way. I just gave her one more reason to lie to me and rebel. I just gave her one less thing she couldn’t control. She didn’t even really like these people and when I finally gave up she did choose to walk away from them, but it had to be on her terms.
   • I do work hard to have conversations about the type of people they may or may want in their life. I talk about their value and making sure others know their worth in a relationship. I may have conversations about learning who people are and how they treat you, but in the end they must decide. Pushing a teenager to decide when they are not ready is a fool’s errand. It only ends in hurt feelings, anger, and more battles than necessary. Unless the person in their life is a danger to them, I stay out of it.

8. She let you speak that way

   • This is a hard topic. My kids were taught to respect adults. Please, thank you, Ma’am and Sir are a regular part of their vocabulary. It is a requirement in our house and always has been, but then the teenage years happened. It is still a requirement, but as with everything else you learn to pick the right battle at the right time or everything becomes a battle. There are some situations I do not let it slide. If we are having a conversation because she is in trouble – every response should be on point. If she is speaking to her grandparents or other elder there is no grey area. If in passing to me she slips and responds with a “yeah” – I know longer jump to the “Yes Ma’am” as I did for so many years when she was younger.
   • As with all moody teenagers there are days my children have been just down right disrespectful to me and others. Usually to me in front of others. I have friends who knew my very strict rules when the kids were younger that are shocked I let this behavior go, and I have friends with younger kids that are appalled when I take the snippy answer and let them go. Some days I correct it, other days I prefer to move on. It is about timing. I consider what is going on in their lives, and what is going on in mine. Who is around and what the conversation will entail. Everyone has bad days. In a teenage girl world, a bad day bar is very low and I have come to understand this. I also know if I am not having a good day my response could be out of proportion to their behavior. I pick the battle worth fighting at the time, but I do know my children have the skills I have taught them to behave appropriately.
   • I am proud to say that I often get reports from my daughter’s friends parents that she is very polite. In public I have gotten compliments from cashiers and waiters on her use of what I consider common polite language, so I know it is all in there even though she forgets it sometimes. I also know that just a certain look from one of her aunts, her dad, or myself will quickly change a “yeah” to a “yes ma’am/sir”…so I take into account she has learned what I need her to know and some days in the safety of our house and with the person that loves her most, she can get away with being a little brat because the world is a hard place for her right now.

9. She let you argue

   • One of the things we did teach our children was how to present their side of an argument properly. Now, when we started this little piece of parenting conundrum it was stop the tantrums of a growing child with a great vocabulary, and to give her skills on how to present facts in her case of why she should be allowed to do or have something verses melting down. It was a skill we thought would suit them well in the world, one I found was lacking in my younger co-workers.
   • Brilliant right – teach them how to argue calmly and effectively. It was great when they were 9 years old. I would be filled with pride when in front of a group my child could give me a list of facts of why I should let her stay the night with so and so and what they would do instead of just pouting because my first response was No. If she could change our minds, then she could also talk herself out of trouble giving us logic behind decisions she may have made. But she had to do it in an intelligent, thought out manner, with a conclusion and a plan. My youngest became a master at it.
   • Yes brilliant (Ha!), until she reached about 14 and we realized she should probably go ahead and find a law school. She listens to all nuances of language used and can find a way around the debate and any argument when she wants to. She knows how to present facts in a way that leaves us sometimes stunned that we changed our minds after she walked away. She does let the emotional teenager take over sometimes, but if it’s important enough to her she always recovers fantastically. She is good at this, but unfortunately it is no longer cute when she does it in front of a group of my friends. I am still proud she has this skill, I just can’t wait for the day she is using it to negotiate the merger for a fortune 500 company and not using her super power on her exhausted parents to get out of being grounded.

10. She let you get away with that

    • If there is one theme that I hope you have noticed through each of these my friend is learn how to pick your battle. Learn what is important in the lessons you are trying to teach your teenager and what kind of person in the world you want them to be. They are going to make mistakes. Some kids will make more than others, but they all usually make mistakes. There was a time I thought there should be consequences for every wrong doing. I thought this was the only way they would learn and the only way I could make sure they were a productive member of society. I realized this doesn’t work with all kids and sometimes mistakes are just mistakes. Sometimes the bad behavior did deserve consequences and this should be clear – what will cause the consequence and what the consequence will be.
    • At one point our kids seemed to always be in trouble. Our house was a nervous wreck. We learned to pick our battles. What should be punished and what punishment fit the crime. If our kid does something at school and school punishes them then often that is the end of it now. We use to add on to it causing endless fights and hours of more family drama with really nothing more learned. If it becomes a repeat offender then that is a different discussion, but otherwise we let the school handle the punishment of school offenses. If the problem was at home it would depend on the crime. We stopped going to the oh faithful grounding every time and started making the punishment fit the crime (and stopped leaving us stuck in a house with a grounded miserable teenager). We doled out punishments of losing the phone for a period, cleaning, mowing the lawn, doing community service, writing letters to understand what was wrong, and other ideas that got the point across and punishment done quicker. We also started giving ways to earn time off punishments – time for good behavior. The incentives often perked up behavior and immediately solved many issues.
    • I also learned the importance and value in not always punishing. Sometimes just having a conversation and having them acknowledge the mistake was enough. Sometimes ignoring the mistake was good enough. Was the battle worth it at that time? It became an important question to ask for our sanity. Especially when you are dealing with a wild child as we did with our oldest. While amid them, the teenage years seem never ending, but I am here to tell you they will actually fly by and I promise you do not want to spend a majority of that time arguing with your punished teen over something that is trivial when you look back.

A Second Thought

So, before judging that teenager’s mom for whatever the look or behavior of that teenager, just remember you do not know the story. Somewhere, you hope for their sake, there is an exhausted mom and dad doing their very best treading through sometimes dark and stormy waters, holding on to their baby girls as hard as they can to get them to the other side in one piece. They are dodging a field of emotional debris in the water coming from all sides while lightning strikes threaten all around. They swim them through on the rare days of sunny peacefulness and cling to every scrap of time they have left with their little girl before they go off into the world. If they are lucky enough to come out the other side happy, healthy, and a productive member of society no one is going to care what color their hair was, what music they listened too, or why they didn’t get grounded one more time. So before judging that mom, even if you don’t agree with her methods, the best thing you can do is ask how you can help, because I promise that life-raft of support is all a teenage girl’s mom really needs from you.