The Step-Mom Roller Coaster

Motherhood is truly the most beautiful unexplainable emotional roller coaster a human being could ever experience. Most mothers could give you a minute by minute account of the day they gave birth to the amazing beings they spent 9 months growing inside of them, bonding with, and growing to love every second of every day. Even with the love and protection they experienced for this alien taking over their body and moods, nothing could prepare them for the sheer force and level of connection that takes over the minute they look into those eyes and feel the warmth of their tiny bodies snuggle against them for the first time. But families are not always made up of just the children biologically created by their DNA. Sometimes the bonding came later with much more complicated, messy stories than those of birth, but it is not to say it is any less beautiful or emotionally connecting.

Chosen Children

Outside of the technicalities of it all, the books, the internet, and the many stories from the other mothers you know, really nothing prepares a woman for how challenging the role of a mother can be through the day to day.   If you think that it is hard to prepare for being a mother I will tell you it is even more difficult to prepare you for the role of step-mother. A role that is often cast as the villain, very under-appreciated, and often not given the recognition deserved. It is a whole other level of the roller coaster ride with steep twists and turns not shown on the map.

I have had two very different experiences with my “step” children. I actually hate the word “step”. I never refer to my two as “step” children unless it is to help clear up some confusion or legality. I really wish society had developed a friendlier word for this scenario. Maybe we call them a “chosen” child instead because that is what happened. They were chosen just as their father had been.  I always introduce them as my children because I believe anything less would make them feel less love than I really feel for them, and that just wouldn’t do.

About The Kids

One lesson I learned through it all is the relationship between the child and the stepmother begins with the relationship between the mother and the stepmother (if she is in the picture), and plays on the child’s relationship with their mother as well. I not only have seen this in my experience but watched it play out in the many step parent relationships among my family and friends. If the parents can co-parent well, even if they don’t have the greatest relationship, it helps the child form a better relationship with the stepmother.

I was very lucky with my son’s mom. She and I have a very good relationship and this is because through it all she has always put his needs above everything else. I will give her all of the credit here because she didn’t know me and we built a relationship of trust and mutual respect. This is how we have managed 18 years of what is a friendship and family. Our son often joked that she and I should write a book about how ex-wives and new wives should get along for the sake of the kids. When he first said it he was only about 12 and funny enough at that young age he understood more than most adults got in a lifetime of dealing with this tangled mess of emotions – it was and should always be about the kids.

The Way it Worked

This is how we did it. It wasn’t always easy, sacrifices were made, and unfortunately everyone couldn’t always get what they wanted, but in the end, it was about the kids need not what the grown-ups wanted. For example, Christmas, we did not ever have him on this holiday and no matter how much we would ever have wanted it, there is no way I could have ever asked her to put her child on a plane and send him to another state for Christmas. As a mother and her friend, that would have been heartbreaking for me to ask her, much less for her to do it. But I do know if he would have pushed for it she would have done it no matter how much it hurt her, this is because she did always put him first. She loves my daughters as her own and I have loved that boy from the minute I met him. I may not have the story of the day I gave birth to him but I have the story of the first time I saw his picture, the first time he hugged me, the first time he introduced me as his “Texas mom”, and the magic of his eyes lighting up the first time he met his baby sister.

I will admit it, with the boy, I had it easy as a “step-mom”. I got along with the ex, we communicated, we had set visitations that for the most part worked out well, and a standard financial agreement we all could handle. We made sure our son was taken care of, happy, and healthy. He was a great kid with very few of the normal rebellious stages and his mom did a great job partnering with us on key decisions. I also lucked out because I didn’t have to be the disciplinarian or bad guy since he had 2 other parents fully engaged. Yep, I had it easy as the step-mom. He is a brilliant handsome young man now in college and we have a good relationship which I credit to the relationship I have with his mom and years of co-parenting.

It’s A Girl

Another chapter of step parenting overlapped for me in in 2008, when we got the wonderful surprise that there was a 13-year-old girl that belonged to my husband from relationship prior to both his ex and myself. This was a new experience for the whole family. We set up visits and began to get to know her, even though she was in a different state. She was a sweet girl though we immediately saw red flags with her family life. Through a series of unfortunate crazy events, after only meeting her a few times and only spending a total of a few weeks with her through a year period, she moved in at the age of 15 and we ended up getting full custody.

I did not have the same relationship with her biological mother. Due to the circumstances I did try through the years to keep it very civil and partner as much as possible but it became impossible.  I did encourage her to continue to have a relationship with her mom as I knew that every girl needs that connection, even when it was the hardest thing for me to do. After all, I couldn’t just preach it’s about the kids, I had to live it as well. I pushed her to have that relationship even when she didn’t want it because I knew later in life she would regret it.

Out of My League

This beautiful brilliant girl came to us hurt and little broken. We were very unprepared and out of our depth and league. I immediately loved this child because she was after all a part of my husband. She had the same DNA that flowed through my son and my daughter. She looked like all 3 of them. She was smart and funny, and had a smile that could light up a room. How could I not love her? No birth story again, but there was never a doubt, she was my daughter immediately.

I learned a lesson within the first few weeks that I will never forget. Being a step-mom during visitation while partnering with another parent is completely different than being a fulltime step-mom. Once you have to take on the fulltime step-mom role you are in a completely different ballgame. The normal teenage drama, the circumstances of her coming to live with us (even though it was her choice), her mom’s continuous negative influence, and just getting to know everyone new in her life, made it all so much more difficult.

Through every trial, I learned so many lessons. Many things I wish I could have done better, many I still have no idea what I should have done. We have been close and we have not spoken. The circumstances of her life before we came along made her not trust and never allowed me to fully break through that armor she spent so long building. I have heard the words “you are not my mom”! and the dreaded “I will never love you” through angry tears more than I have ever thought possible. I have also had the wonderful moment of breakthroughs where she called on me for motherly advice, and while she doesn’t call me mom, she does always introduces me as her mom or refers to me as mom when speaking about me. We have been through years of counseling, up’s and down’s, successes, and set-backs. As an adult, I am still her biggest cheerleader and we still push through.

The Step-Mom Roller Coaster

When you choose to be a part of the parenting or to fully raise someone else’s child it is not an easy task. Being a step-parent is not for the faint of heart. It is a messy, sometimes heartbreaking, complicated role but at the same time it is also a rewarding, fulfilling, and loving one. We have had other kids live with us for periods of time to help their parents or the kids themselves, but I knew there was only so much we could do because we were not the parent. I did my very best with the time I had them, but with my kids, even if I didn’t give birth to them, even if they had other parents in the picture, I had to be sure to get it right while juggling all of the unknowns. The step-mom roller coaster is a very difficult place to be.

When you’re a mother to a child you gave birth to, it is very clear what your role is in that child’s life. You are completely responsible for that human being. As a step-mom it is not as black and white and I struggled (past tense because they are now adults and it’s their choice) with a lot of emotions, conflict, and thoughts I am sure most step-moms out there go through. It is challenging knowing that no matter how much love you have for a child they will most likely not see you as a mother. Not to say that they don’t love you. I know my kids love me. It is just a hard emotion to accept as a mother, but again you pull up your big girl panties and realize it’s about the kids and not your feelings and move on. I struggled with when I should get involved and when I shouldn’t, and what I should have a say in and what I shouldn’t. There are no directions and no black and white. I will say again, being a step-mom is not for the faint of heart.

The Struggle Is Real

Being the third wheel in a parenting scenario can also be hard on relationships. Knowing when to step in or what to advise your spouse to do or not do is difficult. Too much or too little involvement could cause problems between the ex and the spouse, which then impacts the whole family dynamic. Your spouse has a whole history with this other person you were not a part of (or hopefully you weren’t otherwise this all gets a lot more complicated and messy). Also, having a mother who refuses to partner with the step-mom only adds more turmoil and drama to an already challenging balance. Keeping the focus on the child and not on the feelings of all the adults involved is sometimes an onerous responsibility that is too often failed.

One of the other conflicts I often hear among my fellow step-mom’s is the struggle of what the kids call the step-mom. I took this one off the table and just told my kids to call me what they were comfortable calling me. Both call me by my first name. I had a friend who made her chosen kids call her mom, against their will. They resented her for it and in the process made their mother very angry causing much more drama in the family dynamics. In the end, she lost that fight after putting a very unnecessary strain on her marriage. I have friends who came up with very creative ways to change their name so it is a unique nickname for their child to use instead of mom, some mom is perfectly acceptable and agreed by all, and others who are like me and just go with the first name. The secret here is to find out what works best for your family dynamic and not to force something that doesn’t work for your scenario.

Fighting the Fairytales

Long before Disney turned us against the stepmothers of this world, women have been stepping in to help raise and be a part of other woman’s children’s lives since the beginning of time. Some take the part-time role and do it full of love and enthusiasm partnering the best they can in the scenario they must work with. Others take on the full-time mom role and raise the child as their own. Whatever the role or circumstance I know that most step-moms are probably struggling with many of the same things I did through the years. It is a hard job, but someone’s got to do it. So, to all the step-moms of the world out there putting Cinderella’s and Snow White’s evil step-moms back into the fairy tales where they belong, I want to recognize the hard work and incredibly heartbreaking choices and decisions you sometimes must make. I want to give you the long overdue credit of all the times you had to take the back seat, and all you sacrifice and give to those children that you love as your own. Cheers to you!

Also, for the moms who partner with the steps and take the time to co-parent, putting the kids above all else, Well Done! This is not an easy job either especially when there is so much history with the father. My son’s mother did this and I will always be grateful for the sacrifices she made and the love she gave in order for me to be a part of our son’s life. It does take both sides for it to work well.

For The Love of the Kids

While I will admit, what I don’t know about parenting -especially step-parenting- can fill a canyon, I do know what does work best in most cases is putting the child’s needs above the wants and emotions of the adults involved. We all should remember that “Evil Queens” are rare and most of the time people do want what is best for the kids. So, if you are a parent involved in a step scenario I encourage you to take a look at your dynamic and what is driving the decision and drama around the family. What is the relationship like between mom and step-mom (or dads for that matter)? How does that impact the child? What is it teaching the children about families and relationships for their future?

In a world of chaos and hate, couldn’t our kids use a little more people and love on their side?  After all, if someone else wants to show a child that they are so special, that someone who started off as a stranger could provide them unconditional, unbreakable, motherly love – where is the harm in that?