The New Chapter of Fear
Today, I find myself in a position I have never been in in my entire working life, and the fear is hard to fight. I have been laid off and I do not yet have another position. Fear. I was officially told 10 days ago; the fear has grown with each passing hour and the stress has been overwhelming at times. Yesterday was my official last working day. Fear. So today I face a unique situation that I am hoping I can manage through just as I have with all other new challenges of my life. I now must manage through the jumble of fears, questions, and doubts that must plague everyone that has gone through this in their lifetime. Did I make the right decisions? Who am I without my job? What is my family going to do? What are the next steps? …fear, I must not let the fear take over…
To be honest the fear has been with me for a while as I knew my company was heading in this direction. They closed offices and are downsizing and I am just not willing to relocate at this time in my life (moving a teenage girl her junior year of high school would be equivalent to ruining her life). There has been a new leadership staff brought in who are in turn bringing in their own people. This is how things happen in the corporate world. I know this all too well. Unfortunately, as a manager I have had the torturous task of laying off 15 people so far in my career. I am not talking about managing out poor performers who have been given a chance to improve and didn’t. I am talking about having to let good, hard-working, caring people go, to help meet a bottom line. This was not something I chose to do but was instructed I must do as part of my duties.
Welcome to the Club
When I heard the news last week, I couldn’t help but think back to every one of those 15 people. Single moms, parents supporting families on single incomes, and one of my most difficult, a guy a few years away from retirement. One thing I did learn is that conversation is just as difficult with everyone no matter age or situation. I have sat silently with some, held hands of others while they prayed, hugged some until the tears stopped, and took some out for drinks. I have written reference letters and fought hard to get them good packages. I feared with them and for them and their families. After all, some I had worked with for years. I saw their kids grow up and spent time with their families. Some are still in my network.
When I heard the news directed at me on the call that morning, I once again saw each of their faces or heard their voices as I too had to deliver the devastating blow that we would be ending their income. The means in which they feed their family, keep a roof over their head, and provide medical insurance to their children. I remember that look of confusion turn to fear. Fear lead to sadness and sometimes anger. But fear always remained. Even though it did not come as a surprise, that Wednesday morning I joined the fear club with them. I experienced it from the other side.
Risky Business
When something like this happens, I learned the fear gives way to a different level of self-doubt. I began to question every decision that put me in this position. It was a risk to leave my very well established 70-year-old company where my position had existed for 20+ years to go to this small company and start a brand-new project management office. When the offer came in I debated the risk verses the reward. I am not one who normally let’s fear win. I knew it was a gamble.
I knew it was a small company privately owned by investors, but it was the industry I loved and the opportunity to help it grow was very appealing to me. Starting a new project management office from scratch again was too exciting of a prospect for me to pass up – so I took it, fear was pushed aside and I jumped in with both feet. I will say while the result a year later isn’t where I would like it to be, I did enjoy the work just as much as I thought I would. It was a fun year and I have learned more lessons, grew leadership skills, and met some great people I will always keep in my network.
Fear of Losing Me
Fear also has a way of letting you give into questions on who you are as a person without your job. I had heard this from others after being laid off, including my husband, but I never really understood it. They even touched on it in the movie about laying people off, Up In The Air. My thoughts were I surely know exactly who I am without a job – a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a volunteer, an aunt…ect. I have a lot around me that should help me define exactly who I am. I stay busy and am involved with many things outside of work. How wrong was I…fear has a way of making sure to put you in your place. Well, only one day into this I now get a better understanding of what they were talking about.
Really, I began to think about it the minute I knew I would be unemployed for some unknown period. I started thinking about everything else I am and what I do and I realize I put a lot more stock into who I am at work than I realized. These are parts of my being that impact who I am at those other roles, like my confidence, my patience, and my focus. Without a job to go to it is a scary thought of who will I be next week. Fear is a tricky thing.
The Fight Must Go On
Today, I may be in this battle with fear, but I do need to keep reminding myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Since I could easily see this direction coming I had already started a search for my next career path and am on my way to finding new opportunities. When I was 22 my father-in-law gave me one of the best pieces of career advice I have ever been given. He told me to always keep your resume ready and your network open. I have since that day (and I encourage everyone who doesn’t to do so as well). It has served me well. I have created a good network of colleagues and have worked very hard and successfully for many people in my career, and all of this will help. I can’t get stuck in the fear.
I need to get the fear under control and focus on getting to my next chapter. I must get my strategy together and stop worrying about the “what if’s”. I most certainly must stop letting my friend Patrice play her drums loudly in my ear reminding me of all of the paths that could have been taken(read Managing Guilt to learn more about Patrice). I will not be able to answer if taking the risky position was the right move or not right now, as the fear is winning that argument, but we will see how it goes. I also need to take a minute to realize that because of the years of hard work we do have savings and retirement we can dip into if worse comes to worse, and that puts us in a better position than over half of Americans that may face this horrible situation. My family is far from being destitute and I would and can work three jobs before I let that happen.
I must keep pushing the fear aside with reminders of these things. Fight the fear. There are many others that must face this situation with young children, no warning, no savings, and no immediate options. I can only imagine the fear they must face for their families and it is a heartbreaking thought. I have nothing to fear in comparison. Fight the fear. It is time to put my big girl pants on and push through this hiccup of life. I know I can’t completely control the fear, but as with everything else in life, with the support of my family, friends, and maybe a good glass of wine, I can manage through it.
Onward and Upward! It is time for the next chapter.
Having gone through this recently, I can whole heartedly understand what you are going through. Reading your blog and knowing you, I know you will come out happier in the end!
Thank you! All will work out. It is another stepping stone to success. I am far better off than many who may get put in this position!