April marked a huge milestone in my life and I wanted the first blog back from my break to be in honor of it. My husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. I know that this is not an unusual feat and there are couples all around us hitting much higher numbers, but with statistics showing 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, and with what we have overcome together, I know it’s worth rejoicing and celebrating the accomplishment. Also maybe, our story and what we have learned over these last 18 years could possibly help another couple navigate their path together, as they start their journey down this amazing, crazy road of marriage.
You see, when we are little girls playing house or dreaming about our wedding to the love of our life, there is one thing no one ever tells you…marriage has very little to do with love. Maybe this is what our elders know and just don’t want to tell us. Maybe they think the work involved would scare us away. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of marriage, and love is an important component, but the day to day, raw emotion of making it through comes down to partnership, compromise, sacrifice, and both people’s willingness to hang on even when the love is not what was at a moment in time or when pride gets in the way. When this complex tango between two people happens for years, yet alone decades, it is always worth celebrating.
By the way, I am not just referring to the traditional “marriages” blessed by a piece of paper from the government and/or a church. I am talking about all commitments made by two people trying to share the rest of their lives together and becoming each others family, however they chose to do that. This all still applies.
Love Is Where It Starts
Ours was not a conventional relationship, and the odds were stacked against us from the beginning. We worked together for a few years, and were good friends, but when we decided to give our relationship a try, I had just gotten out of a serious long term relationship and he had been divorced for a couple of years. But there was that chemistry from the first day we met and we both had always known there was something between us that couldn’t be denied. You know, that glorious brightening of a gloomy day when they walk in the room, that longing disappointment when you don’t see them for a day, the ability to talk for hours about everything and nothing, and the never ending desire to want to touch them, kiss them, and hold them. That is what we had and had denied our selves for so long. We only dated for 2 months before he proposed, we knew this was our destiny against all odds. We were head over heels in love and no one could tell us anything differently. To the shock and amazement of everyone, we married 2 months after he proposed. Our friends had a betting pool on how long we would last, though I think we can safely say, they all lost the over/under :-).
I remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. We originally planned to go to the Justice of the Peace, but that week, my future mother-in-law said she wanted us to come to her house instead, and she would arrange for a small ceremony. Unknown to me at the time, she had invited a very brilliant preacher to perform our ceremony. We stood in that living room looking into each other’s eyes dreaming about our future. My heart beat so loudly in my ears from the anticipation and nervousness, I could barely concentrate on anything going on around me. I vaguely heard the preacher talking about love and I tuned in a bit, but really had no idea what he was talking about and was a little annoyed he kept quoting Tina Turner as he said, “what’s love got to do with it” multiple times.
He spoke of times to come when marriage seemed harder than love allowed, when life got in the way of what you felt in your heart, and times when the love wasn’t as strong as you once felt, but you had to keep pushing through for the marriage. I knew about hard times and I understood how hard relationships were, as I had been in a long term relationship since I was 15, but at that moment in time I was so head over heels in love and so very young and naïve to what forever really meant. I couldn’t fathom a time where I wouldn’t feel this way, nor a time our love could not push through anything. I couldn’t understand why he was preaching this nonsense on the happiest day of our life.
18 years later, I now completely understand and wish every new married couple could hear his sermon from their first day. It taught me more than I could have ever grasped at the time. We had everything on the “every reason why a marriage shouldn’t work” checklist. Short pre-marriage relationship – check, married young – check, had children young – check, combined families – check, previous marriage – check, interracial marriage – check (yes, unfortunately have a higher divorce rate than same race), money issues – check…and the list goes on, you get the picture. Stress was high for long periods of different times in our marriage. By all statistics, we shouldn’t have made it past year 5 much less to 18. This, my friends, is when knowing the difference between love and marriage has come in handy.
Life Happens
I have heard that preachers voice at different times through the years. Times when life seemed more overwhelming than love and the stress of the world seemed to stretch every stitch holding us together. In our darkest times, I would look into my husbands eyes and flash back to that day, and yes sometimes hear Ms. Turner’s version of “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” It would remind me that no matter how much we love each other, with out the work on the marriage we would end up like the statics around us. I learned the work to keep a marriage together rarely ended up depending on love, but the shear determination of two people willing to make it work in chaotic times.
We have watched so many around us marry and divorce and I always found it strange that often one or both have made comments about still loving each other, but not being able to make the marriage work. These statements always proved that preachers point to me again and again. Love is where we start our families and love is what makes us stronger together, but like all emotions there are ups and downs, and ebbs and flows. A counselor once told us it wasn’t a matter of falling in and out of love, because that was inevitable through the years. He had provided council to couples of all walks of life from newly weds to marriages passing their fifty anniversary, and he said the trick was not to fall out of love at the same time.
A big part of not letting that happen is the foundation you build on the marriage itself, so that the day to day of life doesn’t consume the energy, while the relationship pieces continue their cycles. Knowing the difference between the love in the relationship and the marriage is what makes the difference. What’s love got to do with it? I learned to make sure not to take for granted that love will always make the marriage work, and never loose site that the love is a separate being, needing its own nurturing and attention outside of the marriage.
Keep Captain Pride In Check
The other important lesson that preacher wrapped in that day was not letting pride get in the way. This is where I have made mistakes, and I have seen many others make mistakes in their relationships through the years. I think this may be one of the hardest for many of us to get through. Knowing when letting your pride go for the marriage. Knowing when to compromise, sacrifice, or just let it go. Pride has an ugly way of sneaking into a minor disagreement and turning it into a major fight.
I have been there many times. In the midst of an argument with my husband, about something I really didn’t care much about to start with, but because he said something that pushed the right button like only people who know you as intimately as your spouse can, or maybe it was just a bad day, I jumped full steam ahead into the nonsense battle. My pride, my captain leading the charge, leaving common sense standing at the rally line. There were times I was able to see through the hazy battle dust and pull pride back into the ranks of control before damage was done, but unfortunately there were also times we both let pride take us nearly to the brink of destroying each other.
Those long sleepless nights retreating to our own stations tending to our wounds and regretting the war pride was able to bring down on our house. Our biggest saving grace is that we have always been able to pull through a peace treaty knowing that pride doesn’t have to be the victor. The hope is we use the lesson to keep a better check on Captain Pride the next time and know that the marriage needs to come first. This is when you learn to walk away for a few minutes, take a time out and remember the love and the work on the marriage. Love can help conquer the pride beast if you let it, while the platform of a good marriage will give you the right tools to work through the compromises.
Getting Through Together
I will not pretend that we have it all figured out because we are far from perfect. We still let life get in the way and we still have to remind ourselves to work on the marriage at times. We have found help when we needed it and try all the tools in our arsenal at times to get through the rough patches. One thing we did do that helped a few years ago is had an open and frank discussion about taking divorce off of the table. Divorce is not an option for us – for the record I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an abusive, dangerous, loveless, or unhappy relationship – this is not the case for us, so we took leaving out of the options. It changed how we disagree and how we approach compromise and our future.
While we never openly talked about divorce, it was all around us and with some of the challenges we had been through it was always a nagging fear from both sides which, whether we knew it or not, colored the way we approached our relationship. Pride takes more of a backseat now. We have less fear which means we can have more honesty with each other. We can be closer without feeling there is an end. Maybe this was unique to us considering the number of our friends and family divorced or because we had went through a rough spot, but what ever the case, having this conversation truly helped. We have never doubted we loved each other, but again it was the marriage we were dealing with at that moment not the love.
Learning The Difference
What does love got to do with it? Love is the easy part of a marriage. It is the part that is controlled by the heart and soul. The symphony of forever ringing in your ears as you say “I Do”. The feeling when your holding your new born baby together for the first time. The flutter of your heart when you have your first long kiss in the doorway of your first new home. The joyous laughter as your kids tell jokes, while you all play games and watch movies. That uncontrollable urge to want to hear their voice when you’ve had a bad day, or make sure they are the first person you tell about the good news you just received. The peace and calm that overcomes you while your head is on their chest each night. That pride when you hold each others hand and watch your oldest walk across the graduation stage. The cycles of emotion, life events, and family life together is the love.
The filler in between those amazing beautiful moments are when the marriage plays the biggest part. The learning to live with another person for the first time. The stress of holding down jobs, school, taking care of a newborn, and tending to a new marriage. The hours you had to work to afford the first house and all that goes with it. The in’s and out’s of combining families and just managing through the day to day schedules. The mundane tasks of dinner, laundry, soccer practice, work deadlines, and cleaning the house. Remembering to find time for your marriage and yourself while managing the rest of life. Planning for your future together by yourselves once all of your kids cross that stage. This is the marriage.
So what I have learned over the last 18 plus years…marriage and love are two separate entities needing to be maintained, managed, and nurtured. They cross paths, intersect, and often lean on each other, but love does not make a marriage and marriage does not make the love. I will not sugarcoat it – marriage is hard work and cannot depend on the love alone to get you through. Anyone who tells you differently is either lying to themselves or are mistaking the love part for the marriage. But I have found that while marriage may be one of the most challenging under takings of life, it is also one of the most rewarding. Having my husband by my side, and my family together is an important part of who I am and an important part of what makes my children who they are. Some days, I cannot believe I am a part of this amazing family, and am very thankful my husband has chosen to be my partner in this adventure.
For my 18 year old marriage, what’s love got to do with it? Well, it has served as a great friend and confidant to my marriage with years of great memories, laughter, and passion. I am sure it will continue to do so, but I will always remember the lesson I learned on my wedding day, even though that very young girl had no idea what it meant at the time. To make a marriage work we have to understand it is separate from the love and pride has no place in it. To anyone embarking on this wonderful crazy adventure, I will encourage you to always remember that love is the easy part, it does take two people willing to put in the work, and if you ever need a good strategy to end an argument, out of the blue just start singing, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”, and see if that does the trick! 🙂