Faint of Heart
I have always known being a working mom wasn’t for the faint of heart as it is challenging work, but I am starting to see the pressures of today’s society are making it more and more stressful for moms everywhere. I had a friend recently come over with her 2-year old. He is her first child and as every 2-year old he was a bit rambunctious, but he is a very well-behaved kid. He responded when his parents gave direction, he never got too loud or out of hand while still having fun. You can tell he was being raised by caring and attentive parents. In my opinion, she was knocking it out of the park, but alas, being a working mom is not for the faint of heart. It comes with so much guilt that often everything you do seems wrong.
Even though I thought he was being an angel, as we talked watching him play, she kept apologizing for him being too loud or touching things. I kept reassuring her he was fine. She commented on how he is usually much better behaved but he was having a “bad day”. I thought back to my kids at that age and couldn’t imagine a 2-year-old being better. But she continued to be anxious about how his behavior may reflect on her new parenting skills.
Not Enough
As we had a conversation about her full-time job, graduate program, and the woes of being a new mom she commented that she felt inadequate all around. A comment I am sure many moms can relate too. I was so impressed with her ability to manage it all, but she continued to doubt her abilities and decisions. The source of her current anxiety – she had not yet handmade her sons upcoming birthday invites and sent them out.
We were about 3 weeks from the date, she had a great party planned, and she had emailed everyone. As a busy working mom in school at one point who, on more than one occasion, had to throw together a birthday with a weeks’ notice, I was thinking was she was doing an amazing job! But seeing the anxiety in her eyes I couldn’t help but empathize. I remembered that feeling of never doing enough all too well. Especially, when they are that young.
Always Competing
In previous conversation she was comparing herself to all the other moms in his pre-school class. They made gifts for the kids and teachers every holiday, they had special birthday invites out well ahead of the party, and she knew they must be talking about all she wasn’t doing for the class. She noted she just couldn’t “compete.” She kept telling herself she was not doing enough. A mantra I think too many of us repeat to ourselves.
I thought back to right after he was born when we spoke about work and she mentioned she was being treated differently by her male bosses. They held big accounts back in fear she wouldn’t want to handle them while dealing with a baby. She said she was going out of her way to be in the office longer and going in on weekends when she could to show she could handle it. But of course that impacted her days as a wife and mom which was so hard on her. A drive to compete I am sure many understand to prove we can be good at our jobs and as moms.
A Great Job
These are not unusual conversations for working moms. Especially in today’s world of fast paced schedules and the need to have a two-income family. Add on the social media frenzy of documenting every aspect of motherhood but only showing the good side just increases the anxiety of doing it all perfectly. Through these conversations I reflected on the many times I felt as she did. Then I told her the truth of the matter and what I think most moms just need to hear – she is an AMAZING mother and she is doing a fantastic job for that little boy. Being a working mom is not for the faint of heart.
There is guilt for every aspect of the day (read more about managing guilt in my blog). Am I being a good mom, wife, employee, or student? You can insert just about anything into the statement for the day. But I know something that she doesn’t realize now. All those moms she is comparing herself too, are comparing themselves to her. They are wondering how she manages to be such an involved mom, take care of a marriage, rise-up in her career, all while going after a graduate certificate. She is the super mom in their eyes. They are all having the same conversations with their friends.
All On Us
One thing I have learned through the years with the mom happy hours, networking events, and just sitting around venting about the life challenge for the week is at the end of the day most moms feel the same way. We put insane expectations on ourselves and when we don’t meet any one piece of them, we feel we have failed. We add to our own stress by insisting we make the birthday cards, take the kids to every museum in the city, while volunteering for that special project at work. Then we step up for every PTA, booster club, or school event there is when we know we don’t really have the time. We get into a spiral of doing more in one area of our lives to only feel worse for neglecting another so we just keep piling it on. The cycle continues until we feel like we cannot do anything right.
Unite Working Moms!
Working Mom’s Unite! It is time we begin to give ourselves a break. Managing it all is a challenging thing to do without adding these extraordinary expectations and comparisons to ourselves. Remind yourself and remind your mom pals – you are doing a fantastic job. Did your kids get fed, dressed, and to school (somewhat) on time? Then that’s a win! Did you work a full 8-ish hours today accomplishing some of your to-do list? Then celebrate with well-deserved glass of your favorite wine. After all you are paying the bills! Learn to say no and realize kids don’t have to have back to back scheduled time to be successful and neither do you.
Many of these things I learned a little too late, but Managing It All readers we can encourage and help other working moms to not drive themselves to the brink of insanity and worry. Look in the mirror and tell yourself what an amazing job you are doing today! Make sure you tell a friend what amazing job she is doing too. Give yourself permission to say no and let go of the expectations only you are setting. Tell yourself you are a supermom because no matter how many museums they saw or what event you had to miss for work, you are managing it all. Remember, being a working mom isn’t for the faint of heart so you are doing an amazing job.